On a previous post, I described the performance review process my wife and I go through to give each other constructive feedback. Initially, we start with a few thank yous, then we cover opportunities for improvement, our goals and finally we wrap up with starts and stops. My biggest stop in 2017 was to minimize the time spent on social media and this blog and to start making an effort in being present when spending time with the family. Getting this type of feedback from my wife was not necessarily music to my ears but it made me realize my passion around personal finance was definitely taking a toll on us.

But what does it mean to be present?, well, I’m not going to claim I’m an expert in this subject but in my opinion staying present means staying here … right here. It all starts with being intentional and finding ways to hold yourself accountable.

I continue to walk the path to becoming more present and let me tell you … It’s a never-ending road! but I think I’ve gone a long way and have made some strides by being intentional and by following a few simple steps that can lead us to the experience of profound attention and a direct experience of the moment that we’re in.

1. Trust Automation

Keeping things simple has been the name of the game for us. We pay ourselves first, invest in passively managed low-cost index funds and have leveraged the power of automation to stay focused and disciplined on our long-term goals.  We also use tools like personal capital that makes it super easy to track all our accounts and see where we stand at any given time.

So, If all these systems are in place then why do I continue to spend time watching my accounts almost every day? Short answer … I have no clue :(. My wife has asked if it’s lack of trust in how I’ve set things up and honestly, I don’t think that’s the case.

The more I think about it, the more I realize is has been difficult to let go. Why? because I believe there’s always room for optimization. This is not necessarily a bad thing but when taken too far it can become unhealthy. This desire to optimize on an on-going basis kept me from being present and that had to stop. As a result, we got together, re-visited our goals and agreed to have faith and trust in our system.

2. No Multitasking

Contrary to popular belief, human beings cannot multitask. Recognize you can only do one thing at a time so why bother. We’ve all heard how texting and driving are compared to driving under the effects of alcohol but I would take it one step further saying you shouldn’t text and walk :).

Eliminating cell phone usage when in meetings or when spending time with my family has eliminated distraction and the temptation to look at things that honestly are of less importance compared to time with family. What’s worst? 9/10 it can actually wait. As human beings, we are wired in such a way that we feel we are expected to provide immediate responses. I think that’s fair when in presence of emergencies but that’s not usually the case.

When I get home, I try to put my cell phone away and on airplane mode. This helps me avoid the distraction caused by emails from work or messages from all my social media accounts. Some of you might think this is risky, especially in case of an emergency, but my wife leaves her on so we are good.

3. Vacation is Family Time

I have a full-time job and I happen to really love what I do for a living; however, when I’m on vacation I try to leave my work at the office. My co-workers know that I’m very protective of time with my family so they expect no answers from me while I’m away or when I leave to go home. To make things easier for me, I disconnect my work email on my phone and also leave my laptop at the office.

If you haven’t realized it by now, as long as you remain employed, you are 100% dispensable and as such things will move on even if you’re not around. I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t care about your job in fact, is the opposite.

Vacation is time to relax, spend time with your family and to recharge. Your employer offers paid time off for a reason. Having work-life balance is important to retain talent and stay motivated at your job. I strongly encourage you to take your time off, please don’t lose it (like some people at my office do) and avoid bringing work with you. Yes, there will be times when this might be required but don’t let it be the norm.

4. Enjoy the Simple Things in Life

We love to spend time with the family. Recently, we traveled to North Carolina for my niece’s baptism. I think I did a pretty good job on being present but If you were to ask my family they’ll probably say I could have done better. Regardless, I had a blast.

One day, while hanging in the backyard, we all started to play soccer barefoot. Next thing I know, we are playing Frisbee and later water balloon fight. The following day we went to a park, played more soccer and ran at Freedom Park where the Panthers have a training ground with obstacles. It was so fun. In the end, we were all sweaty and smelling pretty bad but then again who cared. We had fun as a family and that’s all that mattered.

5. Slow Down

One thing I’ve learned – among many others – is that with a family you need to slow things down so that you can flavor the moments. I’ve been blessed with a beautiful wife and two incredible boys (4 yrs old and 9 mo). My wife beats me on the patience category but I got her on planning; however, with kids, plan on your plans having to be adjusted.

This used to create a lot of frustration for me but you know what … it doesn’t matter. I’ve tried to become more relaxed and when things don’t happen as expected I just enjoy the moment and sometimes laugh at the whole situation. With kids, we all get a wildcard so we’re better off taking things slow, relaxing and enjoying them while they’re still young.

6. Breath, Count and Be Patient

My wife is probably the most patient person in the entire world. Yeah, I’m probably biased but If you knew her I think you’d agree with me. For now, take my word for it.

With kids what is the easiest thing a parent loses?… bingo … patience! This is not the case for my wife. She and I have had conversations about situations where my mind appears to be somewhere else. The end result has been zero tolerance and a demonstration of negative behaviors to my kids that I’ve later regretted.

I’ve made an effort to overcome my lack of patience by breathing and sometimes counting in my head. I’m happy to report that my wife has given me positive feedback so this technique seems to be working quite well for me.

7. Active Listening

Not being present is easy. There are bills to pay, savings for the future, issues at work, posts to write on your blog, books to read, shows to watch, loved ones to miss and the list goes on and on. With all that going on – past and future – it’s no wonder we all struggle with being present. It is not, however, as difficult as we all believe.

My wife would sometimes say something to me or would share how her day went and more often than not I would simply disregard anything she said. Not because I didn’t care (even though that was her perception) but because my mind was just somewhere else. That was unfair from my part. What made things even worst me asking her to repeat herself or demanding her full attention when I was sharing something with her. What an ass.

My wife got tired of this situation and honestly who am I to complain. The result, she would say things once and I wasn’t paying attention well too bad for me. She did this quite a few times and even though it pissed me off how could I blame her. What could be more important than talking to your wife? … nothing.

I’m still working on this one but getting away from the digital world – among other strategies – has come along way in making sure I continue to become a better listener for my wife and my family.

8. Be a Witness and Let The Rest Go

Be aware of what you are doing – exactly what you are doing – in any given moment, bear witness to it. Observe it, name it and stand away from it, all at once. The moment is now…now…now…now… Forget about grabbing your phone and being tempted to take a picture, posting something on Instagram, Twitter or Snap Chat … it’s not worth it. When we cling to a “now”, rather than simply bearing witness to it and letting it pass by, we become trapped in time as it passes. Whatever is not there in that moment let go. Be there, right there, right then. That’s all.

Final Thoughts

• Intentionality is a common theme in the personal finance community and that is great but why stop there. Bring intentionality to all other aspects of your life.
• Let your guard down and welcome feedback. At the end of the day, perception is reality.
• Being present is not as elusive as you might think. Assess where you stand and take action.
• Get away from the digital world, slow down and be a witness to your surroundings.
• Find a balance between your work and personal life, be present and let the rest go.
• Time is our #1 commodity, be there now not only for you but most important for your family.

Until next time … JJ!